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Feb 16, 2013

choosing love - valentine's day in retrospect

I remember the first moment my experience of love was set free from my perceived needs, fear, longing, pain, confusion, sadness, and distress.  In an instant, as my marriage of 10 years was dissolving, there emerged two distinct separate feeling threads – one of completely loving this man and one steeped in pain and separation.  Never had I experienced such a visceral awareness of my heart opening, despite the substantial weight of a perceived loss.  In hindsight, I realized this was just a peek/peak of what was to come – of my capacity to love. Over the last nearly two years I have been radically dropped into my HEART – spending more time there than in the seemingly protective, tricky and all consuming territory of my mind as I had for most of my life and sought to “make sense” of the end of another relationship – until I realized that “making sense” of it was in and of itself a distraction that caused a kind of disconnect from my heart that I was not willing to make. The ground beneath this relationship made it abundantly clear that there would be no compromising of my heart – this time , in addition to noticing love, I felt deeply compelled to choose love. And, so with my sacred chisel of radical and sometimes brutal self awareness I chipped away at the walls and the crud and the layers that had seemingly served some ancient purpose – what emerged were glimpses that turned into experiences of immense freedom and rootedness in something other than myself as my Self  – unwavering…holding me completely, tenderly and gently as I cried and mourned what appeared as the loss of another (and was!), but what I discovered to be the loss of so many moments of my life where I ignored, disowned or had not yet seen parts of myself that were buried behind the walls and crud and layers – appearing in the form of relationships and opportunities that had come and gone.  The common denominator in all of these relationships and situations was me – some form of me – a innocent me – who had done her best – who cared deeply – who wanted to live authentically – and whose heart felt so delicate and precious that I had mistakenly built these walls around it for protection – not realizing they would have a two-sided affect that was no longer serving me, if ever – my hearts longing for deep connection and freedom to love utterly and completely would be blessed with just that.  My journey has always been an incremental one and so two years, but really 55 years into this so called life my heart opened – free from any constraint – completely alive.  This is not a story of romantic love – just love – and there is still much to consider, explore, share, but just to say that our intimate relationships – especially our beloveds – are often the territory in which we make these discoveries and so in honor of what I experience as the deeper territory and invitation of Valentine’s Day, here is a Hafiz poem.


These Beautiful Love Games

Young lovers wisely say, "Let's try it from this angle,
Maybe something marvelous will happen,
Maybe three suns and two moons
Will roll out
From a hiding place in the body
Our passion has yet to ignite."

Old lovers say,
"We can do it one more time,
How about from this longitude
And latitude -
Swinging from a rope tied to the ceiling,
Maybe a part of God
Is still hiding in a corner of your heart
Our devotion has yet to reveal."

Bottom line:
Do not stop playing
These beautiful
Love Games.


no separation

It seems like there is a constant ongoing discussion among human beings about separation.  In spiritual and religious circles we talk about no separation when we speak of Oneness.  As psychologists we speak about co-dependence where there is not enough separation.  As parents we talk about healthy separation or the lack there of.  In our daily lives we refer to our work and our families – our work and our play - as separate aspects of our so called life.  And then, there are separate aspects of ourselves, as we censor/sensor and decide what we share - and with whom we share.  Is there is a difference between discernment and separation – between separation and compartmentalization?  What is the difference between separateness and separation?  What happens when we separate out parts of ourselves? - the kind of separation that will never render us whole – when we knowingly or unknowingly disregard or banish aspects of ourselves.  Just to say that any time we feel the need to cut ourselves up into little pieces in order to “feel good” or move in any direction or be in any relationship or not, is a reason to pause and inquire - who is it that is doing the cutting? – who is deciding what is acceptable and what is not? - what is okay or not?  We are – each and every one of us in our own direction which we then see reflected back to us in our outer circumstances and relationships.  It is each one of us in the direction of ourselves that must be curious enough, brave enough and committed enough to discover, reclaim and integrate all of us, so as to relieve ourselves from the burden and illusion of separation.  It is an inside job, that is a bit messy and uncomfortable to painful at times, but nothing compared to the pain of our divided selves who then look to be completed on the outside from things, accomplishments and others, which is utterly and completely impossible.  I assure you, there is nothing more precious and beautiful than every aspect of you joined together as One –  daring to sing your unique and incredible song  – which in turn invites others to do this same – it is contagious – and we are pre-wired for it – this is the only road to no separation – each of us singing our song.

Feb 11, 2013

a place that i know

There is a “place” that I Know – that I recognize – and remember - that I return to time and time again – it is an energy, an experience, a feeling – that is so deeply rooted in my heart – and that I know, somehow instinctively, includes ALL of me and ALL of you.  I sense/feel that it is the energy of saints and sages and pilgrims.  I sense/feel it is contemplative, quiet, slow, deep, includes all of nature and expands for eternity.  I sense/feel it is a creative, wise, changing, alive, tender and mysterious experience– mysterious in that it is rooted only in the present moment…fleeting…but always comes back and never leaves...always available.   It is somehow pristine, regardless of pain or pleasure.  It is invisible, though I have seen it in the eyes of another and in my own reflection.

 What is the difference between a sensing and feeling? I’m not sure there is a distinction – or that it matters – for me, “sensing” speaks to a more transpersonal and universal experience and “feeling” speaks to the way the experience moves through me.

Mumbo jumbo to some, irrelevant to others and profoundly touching to more and more of us who are open and available, to consciously explore the roots, seed and soil in the community garden of humanity and beyond – that includes the deeper territory of our personal lives in the overarching all inclusive transpersonal – where regardless of religion, beliefs, color, class or any other seemingly dividing line – we are able to sense into a profound experience of connection, camaraderie, common ground, and deep Knowing that binds us together and that opens our hearts in unimaginable ways - in peace, in joy, in love and more.

So Deeply Rooted in what?

Incredibly obvious, yet seemingly elusive – completely available, often not found and always evolving - more a journey than a destination.  I would say that the meaning of "so deeply rooted" is in the answer to these questions:

"Who am I?"-"What am I?"- "Where am I?"- "How am I?"-"When am I?"-"Why am I?"

But I am oddly aware of the immediate “heavy head” that many experience at the mere thought of
these questions. It is striking how seemingly annoying or inaccessible or
beside the point these questions can be perceived in the pressing issues of the day to day – and yet the answers to them are directly related to the quality of that very territory.

Here are some other answers that might be a bit less jarring:

--so deeply rooted in yourself
--so deeply rooted in your truth
--so deeply rooted in truth
--so deeply rooted in the present moment
--so deeply rooted in the Now
--so deeply rooted in where you are
--so deeply rooted in who you are
--so deeply rooted in your authentic self
--so deeply rooted in a kind of full body YES, even at times when the answer is NO
--so deeply rooted in those moments you feel completely alive
--so deeply rooted in something bigger than yourself
--so deeply rooted in some felt experience bigger than yourself as yourself
--so deeply rooted in listening

Here is another way of answering the question:

From deep within in my heart I am immensely grateful to all of you who are part of my community in cyberspace and those of you who more directly meet me in the ebb and flow of my so called life – you are my precious teachers, co-creators and mirrors – I admire you, respect you, appreciate you, learn from you, trust you, acknowledge you, embrace you, treasure you - I intend to inquire and to listen to you, to understand you, feel you, hear you, see you, laugh with you, cry with you, BE with you - and to LOVE you.

Whoever it is that is hearing and feeling my words vibrationally in this moment is the answer to the question and essence of this blog.